ABOUT SADNESS IN MY HEART

This day is a very sad day for me.  It is my beloved Mom's birthday today and tomorrow it is my birthday.  My Mom would be 74 years old today.  As I have mentioned, she passed away on May 6th 2011.   I've been thinking and pondering about  how to honor her and I am going over my thoughts and memories about her through all these years.  There is a story I need to tell, but not yet.  Not while I am finding it difficult to express my thoughts and feelings about my life with her and challenges she endured, But soon, I will make the creative journey into her life and her world.  For now, I wait and remember.

Today most likely, I would have picked up my Mom from the nursing home and we would celebrate our birthdays together, along with my husband Paul.  We would go to Old Country Buffet.  My Mom loved "Ol' Country" as she called it, and one of her favorites was fried chicken.  But most of all it was the beef ribs that she could hardly wait to dive into.

My Mom and Me on our August birthday's.
I love this picture of us together.

Possibly, she would stay with us a few days and then I would take her back to the nursing home in north New Jersey where I lived until I was 7.  It was always a long ride for me to make by myself to pick up my Mom however, I was getting better at making the long trip so I could see her more often.  Boy, now I miss those long difficult drives.  I miss the anticipation I would feel making the drive to New Jersey and seeing her sitting on the steps at the home she lived at before she had to go into a nursing home in February of 2010.   She would be sitting anxiously waiting with her two bags of clothes (always too many).  When she would see me pulling up, her eyes would light up and she would bounce herself up to standing position in one second flat. She really looked forward to those visits. As I would be driving up to her house, I would think of the things we were going to do while she was at my house and the places we would go.  I'd go over the whole itinerary with her and she would respond, "okay, swell" and "good, that's good".

In February of 2010 my Mom fell and fractured her wrist at the home where she lived.  She had to go to a nursing home for rehab. Unfortunately, it was Winter 2011 that my Mom became very sick and went into the hospital.  Sadly, in April it was discovered that she had end stage liver cancer.  During the last three weeks of her life, I made the drive everyday from my home or my brother's, up to north New Jersey.  To this day, I still don't know how I did it.  I just knew I had to.

My Mom and me blowing out our candles.  Paul 
had gotten the cake.  How thoughtful he is.

For now, I long to see my Mom again and on our birthday's, I can only hope that she is in a beautiful place, without pain or sorrow as she felt on earth.  I hope she is happy, peaceful and without pain and I wish that she has endless plates of juicy beef ribs.

   Happy Birthday, Momma

       I Love You.

Beginning life and living without my Mom

It’s been quite a while since I have posted anything on my blog and I want to fill you in on what’s been happening over here at Loren Fidalgo mind giggles TM.

I've wanted to write on my blog and let you know that for some reason, I am finding that I am at a total loss for words that make some sense lately.  I have not mentioned on this blog or my other blog  Loren Fidalgo Designs,  that I am mourning the loss of my beloved Mom.   She passed away on May 6th of this year. It's only been less than three months and I’m really having a hard time writing about how I feel about anything very deep or painful. I have been having a block about organizing my thoughts about this loss. I do not feel ready to write about my Mom right now, and I hope I will be sometime soon. It's as if I am stuck in this mode verbally, and I can't write about anything else and move forward, until I express my grieving and honor her life.  (I am tearing up just writing this post). I miss my Mom terribly and I want to share my story about her and my relationship with her. Her name was Marilyn and she was a very unique and extraordinary person.  Her story is a fascinating and an extremely interesting one, and one that will have you thinking deeply about your own ”life” and what exactly makes up a “life”on this earth.
 

ME, MY MOM AND MY SISTER DAWN
somewnere around 1996

So, please be patient with me while I find and navigate my way to telling Marilyn’s story. 

I Love You, Mom.