GRAM'S STUFFED PEPPERS AND CHEERIOS: SAYING "GOODBYE"

Gram about age 15

For the second time in one year and 4 months, I am facing the pain of loosing someone that I loved so much, my Gram.  How do I sum up the life my Gram lived that was so full and also sometimes painful and challenging.  My Gram was an awesome lady with so much strength and the ability to handle extremely stressful events.  I have written some posts on this blog here and here, about myself and my Gram and how I discovered that we were both artists at heart. 

    

I want to share this story with you about my relationship with my Gram and how we bonded over many years.

One day about 2 1/2 months ago and after my Gram became very ill, she still wanted to cook and she had stuffed peppers on her mind.  Gram had these red peppers in the frig and she thought we would make it with them.  So, Gram got all the ingredients she needed in her slow moving way.  Bread crumbs, onions and spices.  She asked me "how should we cook them?"  I suggested that we cook them in the oven in a pyrex dish with some water in ther pan. 

I am not a cook.  I find it to be overwhelming.  But my Gram was a brilliant cook and everything she made was to die for.  She could cook anything and everything and she managed to feed five children cooking everything in one pot as we were growing up.  So, we mixed the ingredients together in a bowl and preheated the oven to 350 degrees.  The red peppers were small and we cut them in half. We scooped the mixed ingredients inside the small red peppers.  Gram said they "looked good".  We put the peppers inside the dish and I placed them in the oven.  We sat and waited for them to cook.

I kept checking the peppers and they seemed to be cooking okay, but they were not cooking fast enough so Gram said to raise the temperature to 400 degrees.  She was surely a 'rebel'.  I turned the black knob and raised the temperature hoping that they would cook well.  Again,we waited.  I was becoming discouraged with how they looked so I took them out and my Gram thought that they were done. I put the pyrex dish on a hot plate for them to cool.  I got plates, forks and knives for us.

Well, Gram took the peppers out of the pyrex dish and placed them on our plates.  She said, "oh, they look good".  I was secretly feeling dissappointed because they didn't look good to me.  But Gram just kept telling me they were good as she ate one of the stuffed peppers.  I felt inside that they weren't right, but because Gram was saying that they were good, I thought they were okay after all.

Gram and me at my wedding

Sadly, my Gram passed away August 27th and she lived three weeks just shy of her 99th birthday.  She wanted to live to 100 but her little heart finally gave out and she got on the bus with Jesus to heaven to see her much adored Portugese Prince (as my brother calls him) my grandfather.  Gram told us that she was going to miss all of us and I told her that we would all be okay and one day she will be waiting for us to join her.  When I talked to her the night before she passed away I told her as I told my Mom 16 months ago,  "go towards the light, Gram.  When you see it, go towards the light"

Gram and Grandpa (The Portuguese Prince)

Gram and Grandpa, again

Two weeks ago was her beautiful funeral service.  I made display photo boards to illustrate the 98 years she lived.  They were the best I could do and I was proud to be able to use my creative talent to honor Gram's memory.  My younger brother gave the eulegy.  It was beautiful. 

At the funeral dinner on Thursday night, I mentioned to my brother Ken, who was very close to Gram, that I made the stuffed peppers with her.  I told him that I didn't think that they came out very well but Gram didn't say anything to let me know she thought so.  She knew all along that my suggestion on how to cook them was not good, however she never told me so. When I told my brother  he smiled and said, "I know, Gram told me".

This may sound like this is a simple story about cooking stuffed peppers, but it is more than that. I think it is a story about the character of a woman and how she kept her thoughts to herself when she saw I was making a mistake because she didn't want to hurt my feelings.  Gram knew that we were experiencing a moment together and it could be the last. It was the first time we had ever tried to cook together so as Ken told me, Gram knew we were cooking the peppers wrong, my heart filled up with much saddness and much joy.

Gram and me in her kitchen.  Her funny bird in the back.

Gram and me.  She was so happy

Today, I am missing my Gram so much and I am missing all we shared over the years. From raising me and my siblings since I was 7 years old, to my teenage years that we used to butt heads and the distance in my 20's.  I have come around to know just how special my Gram was.  I wish I had more time to spend with her, but she had lived so long of a life and she was being called to meet her loved ones. 

I am thinking of my Gram and all we experienced together.   I am missing her expressions and her touch. Gram and I did art projects together and created many things.  I brought pretty things to show her such as lovely patterened paper and fabric because I knew how much she loved to look at them. I brushed her hair and sprayed beautiful perfume on her wrists. I sat with her on the sofa and held her hand as we watched the cooks on the Food Network Channel.  We watched the mass together on the Christian Channel that she loved so much.  I remember one night that we watched episodes of 'Reba' and Gram laughed and laughed.  It made me smile inside to see her laugh.

One of the last nights before she passed away, I was getting ready to leave for the night and Gram said out of no where in her Gram way, "Let's have some Cheerios!"  So I sat down and said "sure Gram let's"  So Gram and I sat at her kitchen table and I ate 3 bowls of Cheerios with her.  She ate 1 bowl. As I ate each spoonful, I was thinking to myself... "It doesn't get any better than this. I will never look at Cheerios the same way again"

I know I will always carry my Gram's memory in my heart and I will think of all we shared.  I will write posts about her and about things we did together and about how she raised my siblings and myself and literally saved our lives. 

Gram and me taking a Thelma and Louise photo.  We were having fun.

Another photo of us playing around

Gram playing around at Christmas

                                   

                                                Gram and baby Isabelle.  She LOVED babies!

  

Gram pointing to a paper boat she made.  She loved making them

I love you so much,

your granddaughter and your friend

Loren



IN MEMORY OF OUR BELOVED FAMILY MEMBER SYDNEY A PUG

I would like to let everyone know about the love, loss and sorrow of Sydney,  Bev and Ron's (my anut and uncle)  beloved pug who passed away New Year's Day at the age of 12, and just shy of 13 years old.  Sydney passed away from congestive heart failure.

It is a painful time for all who knew Sydney and her gentle and funny spirit.  Sydney had been sick for awhile and the night before Sydney passed away she was acting somewhat peculiar.  She was having trouble breathing and could not sit or lie down so she stood for almost 24 hours.  Bev told me that Sydney passed in their arms as they weeped as she took her last breathe.  As anyone who has loved their pet so intensely can understand that this is a very emotional time for Ron and Bev as they process the loss of their beloved Sydney.  To Ron and Bev, Sydney was not just a pet, she was a baby, a family member and she will be missed as one.  They just adored her and gave her all the heart and soul they could.

I want to share the things I remember about Sydney and how she touched my life as well as others who had the joy of interacting with her.

To me Sydney was a extremely lovable and gentle soul.  She was a beautiful companion dog.  When I would go over to Ron and Bev's house or to visit my Gram, Sydney would sense that I was there and she would come barreling down the stairs to see me.  She seemed to really like me and I felt an honor to have captured her heart.  Sydney had a little snort as most pugs do and she would also grunt while she got excited jumping up onto my leg to greet me. Sydney had away about her that made her so lovable and I would so enjoy to be in her presence.  When Sydney would open her mouth to breathe she had a smile that went from ear to ear.  I was always certain that she was smiling at me!  My Gram would enjoy it when Sydney would some down to see her during the day.  She would keep her company.  She was a friend.

I don't have any animals, however, I can surely tell you that the love for this special pug was immense.  She was not just a pet to everyone.  She had a human nature that would rival any dog I have ever known.  When she was with you, you felt like she was just a bundle of love.  When she would lie in Grams TV room, she would rest her head on the curved bottom of the rocking chair and go to sleep there.  This was Sydney's funny way.

In her last years, Sydney lost her hearing and she could not see very well, but she seemed to always know who was there with her.  I am going to miss Sydney and my heart goes out to all who are grieving over the loss of her.  I will miss her her snorting, grunting and the excitement she evoked in me when I saw her.  Since my Mom passed way in May, I can only think that Sydney and my Mom will cross paths on another plane and they will feel the same joy that they have given to us all these years and they will be at peace.

Time to say goodbye...
We will miss you Syd!

Loren

NEW BLOG FOR MY MOM IS POSTED

Hello there...
Recently,  I have been posting on this blog about the loss of my precious Mom, Marilyn and how I am trying to emotionally cope with her passing. For some reason, the intense emotion I have from her passing has been getting in the way of me being able to write. I was so stuck in one place that I couldn't express anything else that was on my mind.  Although I have been consistently creating and making art, I have been bogged down whenever I was trying to write.  The sadness about my Mom kept me locked in one place and I have been learning that the written word is much more powerful than I ever imagined.  Thoughts and ideas can come out like a flood or they can become stifled and stuck on a thought or emotion. I have never thought of myself as a writer, although my husband Paul believes I am (but he doesn't count). Blogging has been pulling out feelings and emotions deep inside my heart and forcing me to confront a form of communication that is still new to me.   I have so much to say and then I have nothing to say... so,  I will try to carry on and try to embrace the written word.  I will embrace my sadness and feelings and realize that I can do all three.  I can feel, I can write and I can create.  Go figure!!

For now, I wanted to let you know that my Mom's blog My Mom Matters, is up on the web and I have published the first post. Yeah!!! her story has a home now.  Any other information about my Mom and our extraordinary relationship can be found at here.  Thank you to everyone who has been following my posts about my Mom and for having an interest in her story because My Mom Matters.   If you have any experiences or insights through the loss of a loved one or has a mental or neurological illness touched your life, please fly on over to my Mom's blog and share with the readers, your unique story, because your loved one matters, too.  My Mom Matters will feature stories, memories and my lessons about how my Mom and I developed our strong and unique bond of love.   It had withstood the test of separation during my entire childhood and my Mom's long illness and hospitalization.  Sometimes our stories are sad, sometimes they are funny but always, they are thought provoking and meaningful.   I hope to see you there.http://mymommatters.blogspot.com/

FEELING FREE TO BEGIN A NEW BLOG ABOUT MY MOM

MY MOM AND DAD ON THEIR HONEYMOON IN FLORIDA

This is a wonderful photo of my Mom and Dad on their honeymoon in Florida.  They looked so sweet and happy and at the most joyous part of their lives.  No one knew, not even them, that their fate and genetics would effect so many lives and those lives would be impacted and shattered by their love.
It's been 5 months since my Mom passed away and I still have so much inside of my heart relating to my experience of that time,  so I have decided that I am going to start a blog about my MOM and my relationship with her.  I've been so bogged down by emotions and sadness that it has been effecting my ability to think clearly, create and to write.  The blog will be called MY MOM MATTERS and it will speak to my feelings that my Mom does and did matter to me and if you knew her, I think she would matter to you.  This new blog will be a place for comfort for me and I hope it will be for others as well.  I will share the things that I remember about my Mom and the things I don't want to remember.  It will be about Mother and daughter relationships and how much genetics effect our lives.  It will be about loving and loss. There will be intense stories about our interaction and emotionally saddening experiences that I have trouble thinking about still.  This new blog will free me up to be able to write and create which I surely need.

When I start this new blog MY MOM MATTERS, I will post on this blog to let you know.   Take a peek at it and let me know how it effects you.

Soon I will begin to post content on this blog without the weight of grieving and sadness.   I'm looking forward to this lightness of being!

soon,
Loren

Beginning life and living without my Mom

It’s been quite a while since I have posted anything on my blog and I want to fill you in on what’s been happening over here at Loren Fidalgo mind giggles TM.

I've wanted to write on my blog and let you know that for some reason, I am finding that I am at a total loss for words that make some sense lately.  I have not mentioned on this blog or my other blog  Loren Fidalgo Designs,  that I am mourning the loss of my beloved Mom.   She passed away on May 6th of this year. It's only been less than three months and I’m really having a hard time writing about how I feel about anything very deep or painful. I have been having a block about organizing my thoughts about this loss. I do not feel ready to write about my Mom right now, and I hope I will be sometime soon. It's as if I am stuck in this mode verbally, and I can't write about anything else and move forward, until I express my grieving and honor her life.  (I am tearing up just writing this post). I miss my Mom terribly and I want to share my story about her and my relationship with her. Her name was Marilyn and she was a very unique and extraordinary person.  Her story is a fascinating and an extremely interesting one, and one that will have you thinking deeply about your own ”life” and what exactly makes up a “life”on this earth.
 

ME, MY MOM AND MY SISTER DAWN
somewnere around 1996

So, please be patient with me while I find and navigate my way to telling Marilyn’s story. 

I Love You, Mom.